As we know it

If there's one thing I love, it's a solid end of the world prediction. According to this group the end of the world is coming in May, 2011. That's soon, I know. Actually, I want to be sure my propaganda is accurate... Judgment Day is May 21 and THEN, naturally, the world really ends on October 21.

Now that I know when the world is going to end, I've been able to make some pretty amazing changes to my life. For example:

-I dropped out of school. Progress is for suckers.
-I stopped brushing my teeth. Teeth? Also for suckers.
-I activate every credit card that comes to me in the mail. Fur coat, anyone?
-Four words: More beef, less fruit.
-I eat mushrooms by the handful... The good kind. Why worry about the end of the world when I can hallucinate about unicorns eating Lucky Charms while playing poker?

I'm pleased to say that I'll be leaving this life with few regrets. As mentioned in a previous post, I've already given birth to ten children, so I've got that whole family thing covered; I've fallen in love once... maybe twice... It's hard to tell, really; I tried out for the rowing team at my school (well, I went to the meeting where they talked about it... I'm going to count it); so... that pretty much covers everything I wanted to do in life.

However, I will regret the fact that I won't be able to fulfill my one true life goal of living to be 100 years old. Most people mock me when I tell them that I look forward to being old, but the truth is, I would highly prefer it. There is just something so appealing to me about oldness...
You don't have to work
or have hygiene
or worry about money
or change your own diaper
or hydrate your loose skin
You get to take a bunch of random drugs and spend your days fishing or playing poker with unicorns.

Man... I'm really sad I won't get to experience that.

See you at the Judgment Bar.