Death From Above

As I'm sure many of you are aware, swine flu season is right around the corner. I read an article today that said flu rates are already reaching average seasonal peak levels, but about two months ahead of when they should be peaking. That's not a good sign. Eight people died in Utah of the swine flu since September 1st... also not amongst the most encouraging news.

I have to bring to light the fact that most of the dying people are old, and that's what old people do, they die. However, at least one of those deaths was in my approximate age demographic... and that's what has me worried. I generally consider myself of reasonable health, but I think I'm starting to get a little paranoid about getting zing-zong-zanged by the swine flu.

Recently one of my co-workers was feeling sick. Being the caring, loving, non-self-interest-serving soul that I am, I decided to look the symptoms of swine flu up for her. One website listed:

* unusual tiredness
* headache
* runny nose
* sore throat
* shortness of breath or cough
* loss of appetite
* aching muscles
* diarrhea or vomiting

That sounds about right.

My problem... If you change diarrhea to explosive diarrhea, then I experience at least 5 of those on a daily basis. That leaves only 3 additional symptoms to diagnose myself. And since my Doctor of choice since 2003 has been the Internet, I really need to keep an eye on these things...

I've managed to avoid the chicken pox (so far...) And compared to the chicken pox, this virus is a coward. I have no alternative but to believe I'll dodge this bullet for now... But I'll keep you posted. Hopefully I won't have to eat some crow later this year.

The Future Embrace

Recently we replaced our rabbit ears with a satellite dish. Rocketing from 4 channels to 200 overnight is proving to be a stimulating, yet incredibly wasteful, experience. Instead of being forced to choose between Judge Judy, Judge Alex or newly appointed Judge Ellen... my life has become full of much more difficult decisions.

Here's a question for you:

Which is better: The Last Samurai or Dances With Wolves?

See, that was hard. But it's actually a trick question. They are the exact same film. A lesson I had to learn the hard way as they were both on TV this afternoon.

This consumption of copious amounts of worthless television is no doubt going to lead to a decrease in my GPA and an increase in the elasticity of my skin... But it's all worth it. For today, while in a deep, lethargic, afternoon slumber, I had a vision...

I need to become a Samurai. Starting now.

I know how that sounds, but if you watch The Last Samurai and honestly in your heart do not want to flee all your possessions and join them in the Japanese hills... well, you have no soul.

It's official, my life finally has purpose. I'm off to a place where your boss pays you in rice and the goat milk flows freely from the nipple.

Feel free to visit me if you want some wisdom...

Sincerely,

Harvey The Samurai



P.S. If anyone needs me to photoshop anything for them just let me know... I have this sweet program called Paint, I can do pretty much anything you want.

Bacon: The nectar of the Gods

Americans are obese. That's not news to anyone... Is it? We're fat. Sorry, but we are.

I'm not on a crusade to change the world or mold your mind (or body)... For the most part, I'm just a guy trying to mind my own business. If you want to eat Panda Express for breakfast... I get that... For the eight minutes before your body starts convulsing Orange chicken is way more magically delicious than a bowl of Lucky Charms, and certainly more satisfying... Or if you want to be like one of my little brothers who I found eating Otter Pops and a Chocolate Orange at the same time last Christmas day (sorry Mitch)... Again, I don't really have a problem with this. Just don't call me when you need someone to wake you from your diabetic coma and administer a life saving insulin shot. That's all I ask.

Moral of the story: What you put in your body is of no real concern to me.

However, every rule has an exception, and the exception to this rule is brought to us by our friendly neighborhood KFC and their new sandwich "The Double Down". As seen below, the DD consists of "two chicken fillets sandwiching Swiss and pepper jack cheeses, bacon and 'the Colonel's sauce'". KFC spokesman Rick Maynard said "It's such a meaty chicken sandwich, there's no room for a bun..."

I really don't know how to respond to this...

Look, when you start replacing bread with fried chicken?!?... Can we just categorically say you've got problems? That's all there is to it. You've got problems. Big, greasy, my-arteries-are-so-plaqued-up-my-heart-can't-pump-blood-to-my-toes-so-I-can-only-feel-them-on-the-weekend kinds of problems. Lucky for us, this sandwich is currently only in a couple test markets. Hopefully it won't make it to the 12 million daily customers, in over 15,000 locations, in 109 countries and territories around the world.

So, my friends, I love you. I want you to live long and happy lives. Maybe we can all agree to boycott this greasy mess... or maybe we should all meet up and just get it over with at the same time...

I'm down for whatever.

Sense and Sensibility

Every now and then I like to pay a visit to the Utah Department of Corrections website to see what kind of perverts are lurking in the area. I don't have kids, but I'd still like to know if I need to keep a watchful eye on my neighbor, and perhaps more important, I'd like to know if my neighbor is keeping a watchful eye on me as I jog through the park. The last thing I need is some creep jumping out of the bushes trying to steal my underwear to make them into a pillowcase.

At any rate, the other day I was on the site and came across a dude living a couple blocks from me. I would post his picture, but as I mentioned, trouble from a perv is the last thing I need. But what I will post is the list of the perv's tattoos... I don't know exactly why, but I found it to be pretty comical:

Tattoo on Chest (SKULL, WIZARD, UNICORN (TATTOO CHEST)) , Tattoo on abdomen (GIRL , "TANK" (TATTOO ABDOMEN)) , Tattoo on R_arm (SKULL INRON CROSS "REVOLUTION IS THE SOLUTION" GHOST SMILE MASKS GIRL (TATTOO R ARM UPPER)) , Tattoo on L_arm (DEMON, HEART W/ CROSS FACE (TATTOO L ARM))

I'm actually secretly a fan of tattoos, but I have to say, that is a ridiculous combination... Skull, wizard, unicorn??? "Revolution is the Solution"??? Demon? Ghost? Heart w/ cross face???

But after I gave it some thought, it actually made a lot of sense. It was like finding out that cocaine use was a contributing factor in the death of Billy Mays... Of course it was! Have you seen that dude's infomercials? Or like when Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin died by getting stabbed in the chest by a stingray... That's exactly what I would have guessed.

And so it is with pervs... If I had to guess what random combination of tattoos they'd have, the list would probably be some sort of Captain Hook meets Harry Potter meets Che Guevara collage just like my neighbor's.

Anyway, if you're in Utah I'd recommend going to this site and seeing who your neighbors really are:

http://corrections.utah.gov/asp-bin/sonar.asp

For any non-Utah residents, give this a shot:

http://www.familywatchdog.us/

Recession Depression Confession

Let me preface this by saying I understand the recession we're currently experiencing to be a serious thing. I know there are many people out there genuinely struggling to make ends meet... and I definitely have sympathy towards them. I got laid off from my job a year ago May, and that summer ended up being arguably the darkest of my life.

However, I currently have a pretty reasonable full time job, I just paid off my 3-hub-capped-car, I have no dependents, and due to a ridiculous schedule, I don't really have a life... What I'm trying to say is, since reacquiring gainful employment about a year ago, I have been relatively unaffected by the current economic climate. But exactly like the unexpected snow storm that got the Donner Party, it all changed the other day when I experienced the first direct economic hit to my overall quality of life... Wendy's 4 Piece Nuggets.

For those of you who don't know, as long as I can remember Wendy's has sold a delicious pack of 5 piece nuggets with your choice of several tasty dippin' sauces at a whomping price of 99 cents.

So... Look Wendy's, all things considered, I'm poor. As my misshaped body clearly indicates, I eat at your restaurant all the time. I'm also hungry. For you to go and change your Value Menu and rob me of a precious piece of machine molded miscellaneous chicken parts...Well, that's just messed up. If Dave Thomas were still alive, I am confident the board members responsible for this decision would all get slapped in the face with an extra greasy all-beef hamburger patty. And a square one at that. With sharp corners.

In the mean time, I'll pay an extra nickel for each of my 4 measly nuggets... but outside of my heart being able to pump blood easier through my veins... I'm not going to like this one bit.

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

In the coming weeks I will reach 27 years of age… the sun is setting on my life. Not really, but I am starting to feel old. Despite my wrinkled face, failing right knee and irritable bowels, I really am feeling quite comfortable with the aging process. In fact, in almost every way possible, I genuinely look forward to being old… I have a life goal to live to be 100, which reminds me, I need to eat better.

In many ways my life already mirrors that of an old dude… I go to bed early, wake up earlier, eat wheat toast, yell at kids if they walk on my newly cut grass, say whatever I want, touch people’s faces, wish I had more medication, and I definitely complain a lot. But a couple weeks ago I made my most aggressive preparation for oldness yet… I purchased a cane. I am one day hoping to own a cane made of pure ivory from the tusks of the last elephant on earth, but for now, I’ll have to settle for one made of the finest wood $12 can buy.

Although the actual purpose of my cane purchase was to complete my costume for a prom-themed party I was so graciously invited to, it will no doubt be something I use often when I reach the age when I officially resign on youth and need a home nurse to change my diapers and spoon feed me applesauce. Only 73 years to go...

We Suck Young Blood...

Last Thursday I sat at a computer for 15.5 hours straight. 11 hours at work, 3 at school, and 1.5 working on an assignment. Believe me when I say, this is no way to live life. I'm turning into a pudgy blob. My spine is crooked, my skin is loose, my wrists and shoulders hurt, and my vision is failing. Despite these many ailments, there are a couple positive consequences of all this computer interaction...

1) We all know it's only a matter of time before computers come to life and start messing with stop lights, shooting us in the face, and giving us false positives on our pregnancy tests. I have to believe that somewhere out there all the hours I spend with these electronic beasts are being recorded, and when they finally decide to come to life, they'll realize I'm their old friend and won't mess with me.

2) Along with saving my life at some unknown future date, my new computer friendship has given me an idea for a book. The story is inspired by my own life and is entirely original. There are two main characters, me and a computer that comes to life and turns into a female vampire. But she's not an evil computer vampire, she only bites animals, which for some unknown reason, is socially acceptable vampire behavior. Because she's so romantic, me and my Female Computer Vampire (FCV) eventually fall in love. She loves me so much that she saves my life when I almost get hit by a van, and she doesn't bite my neck and drink my blood, even though she's drawn to it. She's so romantic. But there's this other evil FCV that doesn't like me for some reason that wikipedia doesn't fully explain, and she's always hunting me and trying to bite me... she's not romantic at all. And one day, after claiming she was holding my mom hostage, she bit my hand and my FCV had to suck the venom from my system to save me from becoming a vampire... She's so romantic. I finally realize that there's a lot of benefits to being a vampire, so I try to get my FCV to bite me, but she won't because she loves me. Instead, because she's so romantic, we go to prom.

I would write this book, but as you can see, it sounds pretty ridiculous. Maybe I don't have the imagination for it...

Or maybe I'll talk to my publisher... keep your eyes out for a release date.

I guess it just Depends...

A couples years back a few friends of mine were brainstorming a theme for their big moving away party. I threw several brilliant ideas into the mix, all of which were adamantly rejected... largely without merit.

One of my more inspired ideas was a diaper party. As the guests arrive, they would all receive their very own adult diaper. They could go into another room to change, then... you'd just hang out like everything was normal. The cowardly guests could wear tights under their diapers, but the cool kids would go gangsta style (no tights, just pasty thighs) for sure. The line to the bathroom would certainly be shorter, and hitting on a girl with the classic "Hey baby boo, I'll treat you right..." would just feel so much more natural and actually kinda make sense. This was the renaissance of party theme ideas... Yet, for reasons beyond my understanding, they settled on a moustache party, which, admittedly, was still pretty funny.

Last week I got an email from one my friends who moved away... She asked to remain unnamed, so we'll just call her Caitlin C. Wait, maybe that's too obvious... let's go with C. Cotter. Well, C. Cotter had been tinkering around on Facebook and stumbled into some very important photos. Turns out her cool hipster friends in San Francisco had received the same inspiration I had... only years later. She just wanted to let me know that I was way ahead of my time...

Thanks, but I've known that for years.

Quid Pro Quo

If life has taught me one thing...

It's way easier to like someone for who they really are, if they are rich or attractive. As a mostly broke, marginally attractive fellow, this has the potential to become an enormous problem in my life.

Generally speaking, I'm not too concerned with material goods. This past week, while trying to get my soccer socks extra white for no reason, I splashed some bleach on my favorite pair of cut-off black shorts. To remedy these new white bleach spots, I took a Sharpie and colored them in. Black blotches covering white blotches look real great... Yet, I can almost guarantee I will wear these shorts every day this summer.

Also, about a year ago I lost one of the hubcaps on my car. Due to the mild embarrassment of a 3-hub-capped-car, I immediately went and found a replacement. A couple of months ago, I lost my replacement cap, and I still have not replaced it. I also lost one of my side mirrors... don't ask.

I tell you this because I'm concerned. Am I progressing as a person, as I become less concerned with appearance and possession? Or am I digressing further and further into the infinite indifference that will eventually turn me into an obese, opaque, scare crow of a human?

Hmmm... Who really cares? I know I don't. In the mean time, I'm sticking with this:

A mile in my shoes...

I wake up most mornings at 5:30am. I'd rather not do this, but the current circumstances of my life make it necessary. It takes about 4 dreary minutes for my mind to gain any form of composure... I normally sit up, look around, wish I was asleep again, question the purpose of life, wish I was eating something tasty, solve some equations, and then get out of bed and feel great. Yesterday, however, I woke up feeling slightly hazier than usual...

Six hours into my workday I was walking around the city when I felt definite discomfort in my right foot... And that's when I noticed this:




I have two pairs of black shoes, one far more comfortable than the other... I was wearing one of each. I put on two different shoes and worked for six hours before I noticed... That can't be a sign of good health.